What Being a Dad Means to Me

Being a dad is the single best thing I have ever done in my life. I look back on the days my two sons were born as the happiest and proudest moments of my life. With my wedding day and my college graduation as close seconds.

James Caan once said in an Esquire interview that he knew his dad had made some mistakes with him; and that he had made some mistakes with his own kids; but that one day if every generation learned from the previous one's mistakes one day there would be a perfect Caan.

That is maybe the best single quick answer to the idea of what being a dad - or a parent, period- really is. To me it is the absolute essence of the idea.

It hasn't always been the easiest or least stressful part of my life, but it is the single best thing I do as a part of my day. Watching my sons grow and helping to teach them things as they do is the most amazing thing ever. It gives me such an amazing feeling to watch either one of them learn a new skill. It is also fun to sort of compare the way they learn things. I know Tommy has a whole different set of challenges than Matty but they both have their own little flair to doing new things.

Matty always seems to be seeking validation when he picks up a new skill he seems like he is showing it off to us and looking at us like, isn't this cool mom and dad.Tommy seeks less validation, merely doing something new and letting mom and dad realize he has done it. Then the two of us cry over another victory, however big or small.

Watching my boys grow up I can't wait for the days when I can take them hunting and fishing with me. At Mass awhile back they were honoring the Cub and Boy Scouts from the church's troop and I was hit with just how badly I couldn't wait for my own boys to be big enough for Scouts and how much fun we could have.

Being a dad for me is also a reflection on my own father. He was a great example for me to learn from and try to live up to. Sometimes Traci gets mad over me not knowing how to do some "manly" chore and asks why I don't know how to do it. Things like that certainly are within my dad's skill set usually, but not mine. But that fault is all mine. I didn't take an interest in finding out how to do those things.

With all of that in mind, I guess I have to say my dad is obviously a big part of who I am and how I got that way. Because of my dad I learned a lot of things:

Things like:

• If you throw your pinewood derby car together at the last-minute so the paint is still drying as you race it, you are guaranteed to win. As opposed to the car you worked on for months the next year which didn't even win its qualifying heat. 
• Guns are to always be treated with respect and as the potentially deadly instruments they are. Briefly forgetting that lesson led to my gun privileges being temporarily, embarrassingly revoked once.
• I also learned that dry heaving over the mere idea of gutting your deer is a good way to sucker your son into getting his hands dirty. 
• My dad was also the one who taught all of us how to drive, which was probably a good thing I'm not sure my mom had the patience to do that. 
• I also learned that Tom Clancy is in fact a decent writer, it took awhile but I finally managed to get through one of his books and then I was hooked.

I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that being a dad has been the greatest blessing of my life. I remember walking from the hotel to the hospital with my dad after Tommy was born and talking about being a dad and what it all meant.

Happy Father's Day everyone.

The Power of a Song.....

Sometimes the first time you hear a song it touches you in such a deep way you can't help but feel. The song sort of tells you how to feel, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes somewhere in between. A song that really hit me awhile back is called "She's With Me," by Collin Raye.

The song is about his Granddaughter, who died from a rare brain disease. The first time I heard it was a time when Tommy was having a rough night sleeping so I had gotten up with him and we were watching music videos on GAC. On Sunday mornings they have a couple hour block of Christian/Country videos. Music usually soothes Tommy so we were watching trying to stay cool and calm. That's when the video for that song came on, Traci had joined Tommy and I as we were sitting in the living room and by the middle of the video she and I had tears running down our faces.

The song talks about a lot of the things special needs parents face. Finding tables at a restaurant, having to leave the mall earlier than you might want because your child is just done. Things that seem so easy to do for parents without special needs kiddos become very difficult for you because of your little one's needs.

"I know just what heaven looks like when I see that perfect face
For no other mortal heart could be so fair
I myself so weak and weary, so imperfect as a man
How could I be the one you chose to care for our girl
Never done a single deed to earn the right to share her light."

It was right about this part of the song when I just lost it. I looked up to heaven and said: "Ok God, I get it." I so know the way it feels to look in the mirror and think how could I be the one to be so blessed to take care of Tommy. When I listen to this song, my brain just sort of auto corrects all of the references to a little girl, to little boy.

I often wonder about the Ineffable Plan God has. I know I am so imperfect and that Tommy is so perfect I can't help but screw something up.   

God I know you won't give us any more than we can handle, but sometimes I wonder why you trust me so much. I love that, Mother Teresa of Calcutta said that. I can relate and I have nowhere near her heroic virtue.