Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone

The worst part of this new transition from a wife and a houseful of kids to a crummy apartment and no one to come home to, is the solitude, the loneliness. At times it's almost soul crushing, the silence swallows you, and then it just makes it easy to fall into a depression and a funk.

I've tried to fill the silence and the hole with video games, junk food, other baser pursuits, but I've realized that it's not going anywhere, so I guess I need to learn to enjoy my own company. That's a process. I would love a friend to "date" but that hasn't happened. Lord knows I'm too broken to be in any serious relationship, but I miss the company of someone of the opposite sex, just to talk to, be close to. Maybe I shouldn't want that right now and I should focus my energy purely on refining, rebuilding, myself.

It's hard to go from constant companion, to solitude though. Like, real hard. I can't have that/be that with Traci anymore and that just causes damage to whatever strands still connect us, which I hate.

I feel unlovable, and so utterly rejected, at times. That's hard, because I know somewhere out there is someone looking for everything I am, everything I can bring to the table. But the timing is off.

It's hard work learning to love yourself. Especially if you're a persnickety, perfectionist, who tends to overestimate your own flaws. Add in the things that you never considered flaws that your ex says are just impossible to live with/accept and it becomes that much more difficult.

I've had a lot of help getting to this stretch of road where I finally feel like I can slowly take honest looks at these things, stripped down to the bare bones. Decide which are flaws, which can I improve, which are just ingrained character traits, and which I like, regardless of the flaw, and love and accept those, and expect any future "friend" to just accept them as well.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to almost like the quiet, if nothing else, I'm writing. Trying to read more, I picked up The Alchemist the other day. I've heard it's a pretty good read about self discovery and that journey.

Plus I swiped some of the Tom Clancy books I didn't have yet, so time to read, write, embrace myself. Love myself, love others, be happy in my circumstances and let the good find me.

I even watched A Few Good Men last night without someone complaining about it...to be fair, it's irresistible to me if I know it's on... I can't not watch...

Lonely won't leave me alone, but I can choose to be happy/ok, with it.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood..."

Time to pick a road and get moving. Standing still ain't doing no one any good.

Brokenness, Beauty and Pain

Hello again blog readers. I know I haven't written in some time. But I need to start again, else I'll go crazy. So Traci and I are now the parents of four beautiful sons. Three of whom are affected by Hartsfield Syndrome. We have made genetic history again. Though it's a lot simpler when you realize your odds are 50/50.

Collin was born August 13. So we kept our August birthday streak alive, but his is ten days after the other two. When we got pregnant last year, I remember Traci taking a pregnancy test as a lark, when I kept telling her she had to be pregnant. She came out of the bathroom, holding the test and looked at me and said, "Now what do we do, I took the test so I could tell you to leave me alone about being pregnant."

A flurry of anxiety hit both of us, but then I said, "Well don't worry, this baby will surely be a typical child, and be a spark of fun and humor like Matt." Then it came time for ultrasounds. Traci and I were excited because at one of his first ones it clearly looked like he had five budding fingers on a hand and was waving at us. But course, the more ultrasounds we saw, the more brokenness we saw. But yet we held out hope. Maybe he would be so mildly affected we wouldn't even have to deal with any issues.

 As I said Collin took his first breaths at around 5 o clock, on the 13th. We soon discovered he would be no easy case. Though he does have a full complement of fingers. His cleft is more severe, he has an as yet undiagnosed lump on his nose, either it is a proboscis, or an encephalocele. So he either has a lump of spare nose parts or brain matter clinging to his face. Awesome.

It's been a struggle trying to find time to be at the hospital with him, trying to find time for the other three, trying to find a moment to breathe and process and thank God for the new life he has given us charge over.

Admittedly I haven't done a whole lot of that last one. Being a parent is supposed to be the greatest gift we have We participate in the Fatherhood of God Almighty. Why is my participation such a struggle. Why are we the ones force to find beauty in the broken.

I've written before about understanding Simon the Cyrenian's place. Being forced to do something you don't want to do, that will have a great impact beyond yourself. But lately it just feels so much more like just pain, there is no beauty in the sandbox, it's full of glass, full of broken pottery, discarded like yesterday's breakfast.

Last year when we found out about Jake I leaned heavily on the song "Nothing is Wasted," by Jason Gray. The song essentially says that no pain, no moment in your life is wasted, That Christ will put the pieces all together and make you whole one day. The song spoke so clearly to me, the circumstances of my first hearing of the song, all seemed like He had written the song specifically for me.

Interesting side note about young Collin he is essentially named after Collin Raye, the country singer. One day I was listening to a CD of his, all religious songs, and I thought the name Collin Michael. I came home and told Traci, I had a great name for the new one. Over time she fell in love with the name as I had. It seems kind of fitting it wasn't long after our meeting Mr. Raye, that she found out she was pregnant.

But Lord this one hurts. I even entertained the idea of a vasectomy, I was in so much pain after hearing another Hartsfield diagnosis. Traci had a down moment herself the other day, as we sat in Collin's room, she was so very sad and asking why his soul couldn't have gone to a family that made "normal children."

I told her that his soul had been a part of our family since before time began. That, I do believe. Collin's theme song has been "I Get What I Need," from our good friend Collin Raye. It's a song about how sometimes we pray for things, anticipating getting one thing, but then God gives us something else, which in turn produces the desired result, but not from the way we wanted it.

I guess this is just me whining and complaining about everyone else's garden looks so easy to tend and yet ours is so, so difficult. My sons are beautiful, all four of them and I wouldn't want to not have any of them, yet the pain, the sleepless nights, the sadness all take their toll.

You really shouldn't have to worry about outliving your children, and yet I do. To the point the idea has kept me up way too late too many times.

One bright side perhaps is that Matt seems much less terrified of Collin than he was of Jake. It took quite a while last year for Matt to go near Jake, but this year, before the summer cold of doom, gripped us the times he did see his new baby brother, he pronounced him as "Cuute." 

That kid has become my sanity, it's a hell of a lot to put on a four year old. Too much. So I don't tell him that, I just frequently take him with me when I do even the most mundane of errands.

The Love of a Woman

Thirty years ago today, my world was significantly altered. I didn't and couldn't know it at the time. After all I was merely a year and a half old. But on this day 30 years ago my future wife came into the world. I look at the time we have known each other and the way we met and cannot help but see the hand of the Lord in it all.

We met when I was just out of High School. I was an online chat addict for all intents and purposes. I guess being unable to talk to a girl when she was in front of me in real life was just too hard. Talking to one through a computer was just so much easier. I started talking to her one night, she was friendly and easy to talk to, so we continued to seek each other out online and chat.

We talked about anything and everything, our chats extending into the wee hours of the morning quite frequently. I was hooked, when she didn't sign on on a given night I would get so bummed out. If she went out with friends I would get jealous. I was probably a tad irrational, but I loved talking to her and so missing out on that chance always made me a little lonely and sad.

I will always remember how I felt as my dad and I drove to the airport to pick her and her best friend up, when she came down to meet me for the first time. I was so nervous the whole ride there I wanted to puke. But once we got there I ran up to the gate (this was pre 9/11) and their plane had already unloaded. I quickly ran back down and caught my dad, told him they had gotten off the plane already. I turned and looked toward the baggage claim area and I saw the two of them sitting there. My heart must have missed about three beats. I got a little lightheaded, but I went over and said hello.

I knew then I was done. From then until forever I wanted to be with her. Well it took us a few stops and starts because one of us was in desperate need of some maturity. But fortunately she has stuck with me through some ups and downs.

It's hard to believe we have two wonderful kids and are where we are. We have a long way to go yet, but I keep telling her God must have something awesome in store for us and we just have to pay our dues.

I can't wait to see how her next 30 years turn out.

An Open Letter to My Sons

It's a big world out there boys, first take care of each other, the hell with the rest of it.

One day you may be all the other one has. Love each other, support each other and when you can lend a hand to help someone else up too. Help the ones who can't help themselves.

I want to personally apologize to both of you for the fact that you are inheriting a world, a country, that is lost. This country, especially, was set apart to be something different and now it teeters slowly toward its own destruction. With a little luck it might be getting better by the time you inherit it, but I doubt it.

Having siblings gives you both an advantage. Siblings are amazing things, someday everyone you know may leave you behind, if that happens call your brother. Someday you might even have sisters, I will try my best to help you understand how to deal with them. But I may well be out of my depth as I still struggle sometimes trying to figure out how to get along with my own. The best part about having a sibling, though is that you might be ready to pound on them, you are so angry. Until someone else comes along and says something about them. Then you pound that guy.

This is a flawed, fallen, world increasingly giving into a me-first, anything goes lifestyle. Don't buy into that, look for examples all around you of the right kind of man to be. Hopefully by the time you two can understand this I will be that kind of example. If not live life the way Jesus did. Read Philippians 2. Take it to heart, live it.  Be lights in the dark for the people around you.

Always see all of the wonder in creation. From the little bugs to the biggest whales. From the deepest oceans to galaxies far, far away. Learn something new everyday. Always ask why. If you don't know why, find out. 

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are or where you come from. Have regard for your name, since it will remain for you larger than a thousand great stores of gold. The days of a good life are numbered, but a good name endures forever. (Sirach 41:12-13).

Which reminds me, read your Bible. More importantly live the Bible.

I do my best to remember everyday to tell you each how much I love you. If I forget sometimes, don't think I don't love you. Someday I am going to embarrass you. I probably won't mean to, but I will. Love me anyway.

Love your mother. She has done and continues to do a lot for all of us and sacrificed for all of us. Be kind to everyone, even people you don't think deserve it, you don't know what brought them to that point in their lives.

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other and know how loved you are. Know that wherever you go and whatever you do in this life, I will be right here ready to catch you when you fall. That's my job.

Doctors, Doctors and More Doctors

From the first day of Tommy's life it seems as if we have had an endless stream of doctors. It seems like every new doctor we meet tells us how we should see one specialist or another. Traci and I refer to this vast network of doctor's as Tommy's village.

The first specialist who came into our lives has always held a sort of primacy of place for us. If for no other reason than she was the first who looked at Tommy and said "I can fix that, for ya," while that isn't a direct quote it might as well have been.

I was sitting with Tommy in the Neonatal ICU in Spokane, when we first met Dr. P. I had been told she would likely come by to consult either that afternoon or in the morning. Remember it was me and Tommy against the world at this point still, his momma was still stuck down in Moscow and our assorted families were all en route.

I remember sitting alone in that quiet space clutching my rosary, looking at my firstborn, wondering what had happened, how it could be fixed, why it had happened. Dr. P came in and introduced herself, took a look at Tommy and started telling me exactly how we could fix the cleft and what sort of time frame we were looking at for the various surgeries. I remember thinking, "She can fix him, and make his face whole, how awesome is she".

I'm pretty sure I even called Traci using a few precious seconds of my cell phones rapidly dwindling battery and told her, "I met the plastic surgeon and she doesn't care about the other stuff going on. She says she can fix Tommy's face."

Over time and several surgeries, she has done just that. Tommy has one upper lip and palate, where he used to have three. We have heard lots of people tell us lots of things about Dr. P, but never has a single one of them been bad. She is an amazing lady who frequently takes trips to developing countries and does cleft repairs for the poor in those nations.

Traci and I often say that God probably had to make Tommy the way he did, because had he been born without the cleft and with his other parts being like they should, he would be too beautiful to look at. Plus it has given us a window into so many things. Dr. P's deft touch as she has repaired his upper lip, his nose and his palate has been amazing.

I almost wrote noses in that last paragraph. One thing we found out after one of Tommy's surgeries is that his body tried to make two noses. It was beneficial for Dr. P as she was able to use them to her advantage in that surgery.

When I look at old pictures of Tommy and see that wide cleft smile, sometimes I get a little sad. Sometimes I miss it. I know everyone looks at their babies and waits to see how they change over their first year or two. Traci and I got to see ours change over a few hours. We would get to the hospital for surgery and get everything squared away, sending our little man off into the capable hands of the hospital staff, then we would go eat breakfast and wait. After a few hours we could go see him in recovery, the first time we got to see him with a whole upper lip was amazing. Every surgery since has had a sort of "let's look at the new Tommy, feel to it". 

If you have the means or the inclination or are looking for a tax write-off. Give Operation Smile a look. They do amazing things.