For Kelsey

Thirty-one year old's aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to be in the prime of life. Especially 31-year old former athletes. Lost one of the gentlest people I ever knew and one of the most genuine the other day.

We hadn't talked in years and we weren't necessarily all that close to begin with but this one has knocked me for a loop.

God Speed Kelsey, May you rest in peace. Here's hoping you are kicking around heaven's basketball courts in an old pair of sneakers with your mom watching from the sidelines.

Here's a link to my hometown paper's report. 

To An Athlete Dying Young

THE time you won your town the race
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.
To-day, the road all runners come,	5
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.
Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay,	10
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.
Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than cheers	15
After earth has stopped the ears:
Now you will not swell the rout
Of lads that wore their honours out,
Runners whom renown outran
And the name died before the man.	20
So set, before its echoes fade,
The fleet foot on the sill of shade,
And hold to the low lintel up
The still-defended challenge-cup.
And round that early-laurelled head	25
Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,
And find unwithered on its curls
The garland briefer than a girl's.

Five Years of Fatherhood....

"A child arrived just the other day..."  (If you are just tuning in start with this post)

Ok this won't be some weepy post on how I haven't been there for Tommy, or even Matty. Because I have, maybe not always well but I have been there.

I just can't believe Tommy turned five as we closed the page on July...Five years just seem to have gone by so fast.

I have seen so much from him in five years, I have learned so much: from how to advocate in a gently non-threatening way to meet his needs, to let go and trust the hands and experience of others, he has taught me so much.

He continues to bring everyone who meets him joy. He is such a happy darn kid all the time. I wish I could bottle and sale his positivity and happy nature.

I think most of what I have learned in these five years is that Tommy is who he is not because of anything Traci or I did. Seems like it should have been an easy thing to learn, right. It was surprisingly difficult. I still have a lot of times when I watch Matt do something and I start thinking how awesome and smart he is. Then I start feeling guilty because I am enjoying him doing something that his big brother can't.

I suppose that's probably normal some sort of survivor's guilt or something. It's been awesome since we moved to Minnesota though because the doctors at Gillette seem totally invested in finding ways to help Tommy achieve things.

Since we moved/started seeing docs at Gillette Tommy has really turned into a rolling machine he can roll onto his tummy, seemingly any time he wants. He is such a ball of energy and it seems like we might finally be starting to break his tone enough to allow him to do some things.

Seriously though its been five years. Seems like it was just yesterday. I still remember telling the helicopter crew there was no way I wouldn't be on that helicopter with him, weight be damned. I suspect a part of me was so terrified he might die or something I couldn't handle me or Traci not being with him.

I love you, Tommy...Here's to many, many more years of marveling at where the time has gone.

About A Boy

I suppose it is natural to be thinking about fatherhood right now. After all Father's Day has just passed us by.

But I have been thinking about a story, one I have played with on this blog and have told you all a little bit of. It is the story of my son Tommy. It's really my story, but it began with him. After all for the last five years I have struggled to finally grow up and become the man I need to be to handle the awesome responsibility God has given me.

I guess a lot of my struggle continues to be how open to I let myself be to potentially millions, ok thousands, fine tens of strangers reading my blog. Truth is the story hurts. Sometimes a lot...sometimes just a little.

Here's the thing though, because of Tommy I am a better man than I was. Because of Tommy I am slowly becoming a better more faithful Catholic. Because of Tommy I am finally learning to truly Let Go and Let God.

It is hard, very hard, everything in my nature says I need to make it better. Then in the still small silence when I force myself to listen and accept everything I know about God I realize that isn't my job.

A fellow blogger actually told me a while back that I should tell Tommy's story and I said to her and myself yes I should but then I ran away from it again. The thing is part of me says Tommy is such a rare case who wants to read about a condition they won't likely ever see. But so many of his symptoms/issues are common to so many other things that I suspect many people could likely be helped or help us in ways I haven't even imagined.

So I guess I need to throw my heart open and let the world look at it in full. Who knows maybe I will help someone along the way, or maybe someone will help me.

Basically ever since Tommy's birth my one operating goal in life is to some day get to a point where I am a good enough father, husband and man that my kids will be proud of the fact that I am their dad.

It seems like I have come so far in five years, but I sure feel a long way off way too often still.