Wrestling With Grief

Jacob was always different. But in our house, different is normal. He was our third boy, our second with Hartsfield Syndrome. He was born into a house filled with wrestling. I've had a lifelong on again/off again love affair with the squared circle. I have introduced my children to it as a distraction from the pain, frustration and sadness of our every day lives.

Our journey as parents hasn't been an easy one. That history is well documented on this blog, and freely shared by Traci and myself. One thing that Tommy, Matt, Jake, and I, and someday when he is a little bigger, Collin will share is our fondness for escaping reality via the goings on in the WWE.

Traci will tell you Matt is wrestling obsessed, and I agree the kid is in deep. Matt loves to wrestle his stuffed animals and he likes to do it on our bed, gets a pretty good bounce plus it makes a soft landing spot for his particular high impact style. Jacob loved to be a spectator, having mom and dad hold him while big brother hit devastating cross body blocks and pile drivers on his stuffed teddy bear, delighted Jake to no end.

I love to toss the boys on the bed and wrestle them, Tommy is almost getting too big for the show, Matt is a good size and likes to play, Jake was just getting into it. He was finally shedding those infant fears and trusting that if daddy put him in the air daddy was going to bring him safely down. He was finally getting big enough that we could include him in romp time. What I had at one time dubbed the Living Room Wrestling Federation, because I used to toss the boys around during commercials of Monday Night Raw without getting off the living room floor.

And now he is gone. No more Jake the destroyer of bed time. No more soft giggles as I land him gently on the pillow after an amazing maneuver. No more sitting in dad's arms watching Raw, or Smackdown, or that month's Pay Per View.

I used to "squish" him  together by pulling his shoulders in tight, if I pulled just a little he would cough, laugh and look up at me ready for one more squish. I miss that, a lot.

I know Tommy had several wrestlers that he was a "mark" for, he used to squeal and get excited for John Cena. Lately though I am not sure Tommy has a favorite I think he just appreciates being included in the watching of the show. Matt's taste is decidedly heelish, he is a fan of Kane and seemingly every heel on the roster. I'm not sure Jake was old enough to have chosen a favorite. I think, much like Tommy, he was just happy being a part of it all.

I just woke up from a dead sleep, dreaming I was discussing a match. Discussing in ring psychology with Daniel Bryan, explaining how to tell a story through the match. Something Bryan can do quite well. When I woke up my first thought wasn't, "huh I'm dreaming about Daniel Bryan." It was about my Jakers. It was about making sense of his loss through a cartoon world we immersed ourselves in to forget.

A world Jake was too young to express true interest in. A soap opera of athleticism, and pageantry. Wrestling was always the siren song of escape. Three hours on a Monday night, Smackdown a couple times a month, a PPV spectacle once a month. It allowed us to escape into a place where there were no doctor's appointments, no syndromes, no struggles questioning my adequacy to parent these four boys; three of them saddled with this terrible syndrome.

Lately it has been my own personal escape from my own depression over finding out that I am the carrier of the bad genetics which gave my son's their genetic failings. Now in the week and a half since Jake died I'll take any escape I can get.

Anything which turns my brain off a little bit. Anything that can do that while still maintaining the appearance of normal, if for no other reason than Matt deserves as much normal as we can maintain right now. My four year old is currently showing us the way through our grief. If we cry he points at the picture board we made for the visitation and implores us to look at it and be happy. He reminds us we can talk to Jake any time we want. We can still blow him kisses and tell him we love him.

That is true we can do all those things, but I can't pick him up, toss him into his mommy's pillow and then hold him down for the one, two, three count.

Last year one of the biggest luminaries of the pro wrestling world passed on. The Ultimate Warrior had just made peace with Vince McMahon and been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. On the night after Wrestlemania he came out and told the fans what makes a Superstar one of the immortals:
"Every man’s heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe a final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them bleed deeper and something larger than life then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized."

Traci and I can struggle with the pain of how Jake's life ended. (Caution amateur medical evaluation ahead) Apparently he was in a state of near constant seizure activity that ultimately didn't allow his brain to realize he could fight through the respiratory illness he had, so his body shut down.

We can affix blame about things done, by ourselves and others, that may have contributed to Jake's death. Or we can tell his story. We can let the things he did cause the blood to pulse in our veins and he can live on, through us, through his brothers, through everyone who ever met our little divo.

He was very much one who loved to be the center of attention. I am sure he arrived in Heaven, saw an altar and assumed it was placed there for him. I hope Jesus was able to convince him, that he didn't always need to be the star, because his mom and dad sure couldn't.

The house is so much quieter, too quiet, without him. Collin is beginning to find his voice and I am sure his big brother is up in Heaven encouraging it with his sly little smile.

I guess in some ways as long as I have been a father I have worried about outliving my children. Tommy was such a mystery in the early days and seemed so fragile, but as he grew Traci and I begin to believe he was indestructible. A quality we quickly ascribed to Jake and Collin as well. Perhaps that is why this hurts so much. We were invincible, we would see the stories on the Families for HoPE Facebook, mourn the loss of children younger than our own, and wonder about how tough our little guys were.

Jake was tough as nails just like Tommy. From the minute Jake was born I was so sure he was Tommy 2.0 that sometimes I had to remind myself he was Jake 1.0. They handled their pain differently but they were both tough as a two-dollar steak.

I hope Jacob knows how much I loved him. I spent so much of his life angry. Angry at our lot in life, angry at finding out I was to blame for the poor genetics, angry at so much. I wish I could do it all over, I wish he could see the me that wasn't angry all the time. Irony of ironies, Traci and I had just started counseling. The tipping point there was her pointing out my anger, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I needed to change, I didn't want my sons to see their dad as a bitter. angry man. That's not who I am.  

RIP Jacob. I know you are up in Heaven now looking down on us, trying to find a way to ease our pain. Ask God to give us the grace, the strength, whatever we need to mourn your loss, while we keep moving forward. Be there for us in the quiet, speak to us in our pain. Hold us as we cry, comfort us as we mourn.

WWE Unable to Tell Coherent Story....

For a long time I have defended my continued viewership and fandom of the WWE as it being a man's soap opera, well the writing has begun to suffer of late. To borrow a line from the Sports Guy at ESPN, I feel like none of this would have happened if Vince McMahon were still alive.

And yes I know Vinny Mac is still alive, but he may as well be dead. Last year when son-in-law Hunter Hearst Helmsley relieved him of his duties I was excited at the possibility of the story line. However they have continued to botch the angle.

For one thing the mysterious, anonymous Raw GM angle just died. Then we were saddled with Johnny Ace, John Laurinaitis is quite possibly the least skilled man with a mic in his hands in the entire company. They tried to write in a power struggle angle between HHH and Laurinaitis but it fell flat, and was rushed.

I will give them credit though for one thing building the Rock vs. John Cena match for a whole year, they somehow managed to mostly succeed there. However, even in success they still fell short. Watching the Pay Per View of Wrestlemania it lost all flow what with the nonsensical musical interlude, followed by the preening nonsense of the two men at the outset of the match.

Yes I am complaining about a match that went for more than 30 minutes, saying it was too short and far too mechanical. That complaint falls on Rock and Cena more than creative.

Another failure has been the tease, then backing away, then teasing of a heel turn for John Cena. It is time the goody two shoes act is tired. He needs a fresh start, a heel turn for the longest running baby face in the corporation is something that would show an ability to finish a story. And finishing a story would be a major improvement in creative direction for a federation that once more or less ridiculed its competition out of business for an inability to effectively finish a story.

Now I know Vince is still the man in charge but we need to see him onscreen again. He needs to be once again the face of his operation. Not Mr. McMahon heel owner, but Vince McMahon, story teller.

I've been watching the WWE for nearly 20 years now and can still remember the time when I was incredulous when my friend Andrew explained to me the thin, turtle-necked fellow in the WWF blazer calling the action on Raw was actually the guy signing the paychecks for everyone.

That Vince is the one who we need to see again. For one thing the announcing is dreadful. Michael Cole, who should be selling the angles WWE creative comes up with spends far too much time trying to be a heel and get heat. Jerry Lawler has been phoning it in since sometime in the late 90's.

Vince was always able as an announcer to let whoever the heel announcer was supposed to be get their heat and letting the good announcer build the major story, while selling the angles. No one calling the action can do that anymore in WWE. So even when creative has a solid story to tell it gets lost.

The WWE merrily rolls along retreading their past as they look for some magic formula to return them to their heyday in the late 90's. The problems are

• they are now a monopoly having destroyed their competition
• No one tries to sell the major story lines 
• They think bringing back some of their previous Superstars will bring back their fanbase...Witness the return of Brock Lesnar, The Rock, Kevin Nash.....etc.
• Their alleged authority figure Laurinaitis has no demonstrable ability to wield authority, let alone use it effectively

They can right the ship but it will take some soul searching and a willingness to work on their deficiencies.

WWE Looks Like It May Return to Edgier Days...

I don't indulge the wrestling fan in me too much on my blog, but that is going to change...for today at least. The WWE is looking like it might be in the middle of another renaissance. The company's hottest star is an anti-establishment lightning rod, promising to be a "voice for the voiceless." He is antagonizing the power structure and promising to continue to do so.

It's been a few years since the big stars in the WWE, then known as the WWF, were anti-heroes. That era was known as the Attitude Era and featured some edgy story-lines and was much more provocative. And to be honest I didn't even realize I missed those days until Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock started showing up at WWE events and being their usual badass selves.

CM Punk and the current story line at the top of the Federation looks and feels a lot like the second coming as it were of the Attitude Era. Fans aren't quite sure how to handle Punk, he draws a fair amount of cheers but he is also getting some boos. Meanwhile his opponent for this feud is a guy who draws his own share of mixed reviews in John Cena, loved by the women and children, nearly universally despised by the men.

I could be wrong but I think the creative team at the WWE sees the right way to take this angle. Cena, the monster face, has to become a heel. He and Punk have to switch roles with Punk becoming the face of this new Attitude Era. This needs to happen for several reasons:

1. Cena's character is stale. Hustle, Loyalty and Respect are great, but the line is tired and he really needs a new direction. Besides as a heel he would be amazing. 
2. Cena with the title is boring, this is coming from someone who is a Cena fan mind you, we need to see some new blood at the top. Whether it's Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Punk, Alex Riley, R-Truth, or John Morrison, Cena needs to drop the strap and go other directions with his character. 
3. Fans of a certain age, read my generation, remember the Attitude Era and want to see a return to those adult themes, not as outlandish perhaps as they got at the end, but let's return to some more grown up content. If for no other reason than so we never see a wrestler cut a promo saying "baloney, fudge and mustard." 
4. Having the Rock waiting in the wings for Wrestlemania next year just makes those of us who are old enough want to see a return to the things that made his era stand out. 

 All that said I think Punk is the perfect guy to hold the title for now. His constant criticism of the powers that be in the WWE is entertaining and does in fact give a voice to those of us who watch the neutered WWE and wonder when or if it will ever throw itself wholeheartedly back into the things that helped push the wrestling boom of the 1990's and early 2000's.

Maybe the WWE can't get all the way back to that because they have no real competition any more. During that last boom period we had the Monday Night Wars, we had the WCW as a real counterweight to WWE. For a couple of years anyway, until their poor booking and management led to their downfall.

But this storyline has had a little of everything, from palace intrigue (Mr. McMahon being replaced by his son-in-law (Triple H) after a vote of no-confidence), threats of termination, attempts at stealing a victory, worked shoots. What's not to like. Although I am not sure how much I like Triple H being in charge, watching Monday's Raw he no sold Punk's promo, it makes me wonder if WWE has the stones to do it the right way. Vince would have at least reacted to Punk's word's, Hunter's ego may just be the thing that kills this storyline. I almost wish that Linda McMahon had been the one put in charge. I think it could have been better that way, all these big, musclebound jerks at the direction of a woman.

I think they could have put Mrs. McMahon in charge and had Hunter upset it wasn't him and then had him and Cena team up turn heel and steal things from Punk and Linda.

Either way here's hoping that the creative team at WWE doesn't fail us this time. I imagine Cena who has been a huge face for a long time doesn't necessarily want the heel turn. But they need to convince the fan in him that it's the right thing to do for the company.

Think about that for a minute Cena, the company man heel, it could be awesome if done right. Especially if they push the whole Punk thing toward a labor/management angle. Punk could be like leading the workers against the management (i.e. Cena, HHH, Mr. McMahon, Laurinitis).

All I know is I can't wait to see how this thing ultimately pays off. I hope it pays off in a way that moves the story forward and perhaps returns WWE to having a little edge to their product.