Monday, April 25, 2016

Pain Don't Hurt

If you know me, you know I love Patrick Swayze movies, especially the action ones. The title of this post is a reference to Road House, my favorite Swayze flick. Trouble is pain does hurt. Particularly the mental/emotional type pain. It festers, it lingers, it becomes physical pain. The pain of loss, the loss of a child, becomes a crushing weight. We look at our children and we see a sort of immortality. To then be holding them, lifeless, cold, gone, just drains you. You lose your compass. Down is up, East is West...everything is wrong, nothing makes sense.

Losing Jake was awful. And the aftermath just keeps increasing the confusion. I've spent the last 15 months searching, looking for a reason, clinging like a drowning man to the things that were there before Jake died, I thought I needed them, thought they were the definitions of happiness for me. I've recently realized that I was merely clinging to the familiar.

A marriage that already had some severe cracks, saw its foundation crumble, saw itself collapse in the grief and mourning. A beautiful new home, that was a promise of a new beginning, now haunts me.

I struggle with the idea that God kept me safe during my accident that morning, and yet Jacob died. I know God doesn't work that way, but still, why was I ok, why couldn't Jake fight off the infection. But, I've begun to realize that I can sit and stew and soak in the pain. Or I can acknowledge it, accept it, figure  out how to grow from it, use it as a building block to create a brighter future.

So, since I need to use that, and since writing has always been one of my healthier outlets, why not get back on this horse, and try to sort through this pain/confusion/emotional ball.

So dear reader, a few promises, I'll try to write more. I'll try not to use this space for pity parties. I'll hopefully make you think, make you laugh. I might even make you cry.

Thanks for taking this journey with me....let's see where the road takes us.

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