Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Questions I Can't Answer

I used to love talking about my boys. I still do, but now it's awkward more than awesome. That's frustrating, although I suppose understandable.

The question "How many kids do you have?" That one sucks...I mean at work, interacting with a guest, I say three and
move on. But if it's someone I want to let know me, it's harder. When does one politely spring a deceased child into casual conversation. And will they find me too crass if I say I have three left..., as a means of acknowledging that I had more children before.

It's easier everyday to talk about, and remember Jake. His sweet smile, his adorably demanding personality. I've decided he knew his clock was wound short, and he wanted all the attention. I'm ok with that. I still wish he had seen his daddy before the anger, before I was so lost in my pain and depression. I worry for the other three hoping I can get myself out of this before our relationships are tarnished.

Navigating these waters is tricky, I want to honor, remember, and talk about my sweet boy, just as proudly as I talk about his brothers. But I don't want people to think I'm dwelling on the past, or being macabre, or weird. I just want Jocko to be loved by everyone who hears his story.

We, as a family are anonymously famous, no one before or as far as I know, since has recurred with Hartsfield. We've done it twice. I mean that's worth telling people about, right...

But beyond that, I want people to know about Jake's warrior spirit. His sweet little giggle. His harrumph noises as daddy squished him.

I want to get back to the way I used to be, when someone asked me about my kids and my eyes would light up. I'm headed back to that, but I still have the moments when someone asks and my eyes well with tears, my voice catches and I'm unsure how to respond to questions about my boys.

I find myself so angry at God so much of the time these days, that I turn to the Blessed Virgin a lot asking her intercession to ask for the things I need. I've started asking Jake to intercede for me too. Mostly I just like having a chat with him. I'm usually able to sort myself out after those talks.

Please, ask me about my children, but understand if my breath catches, and I need a minute to start telling you how amazing my sons are.

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